Disciplining Without Negative Emotion

The day after John and I started seeing each other, one of his comments was, "You wear your emotions on your sleeve, don't you." I don't know what I had said to make him feel that way, but he was right. I'm not good at being fake. If I'm upset, most people know it, even if I try very hard to hide it. When I'm around people, I'm usually happy, though, because I like almost everyone I know, so I don't have to try to be fake.

When I say people, I don't mean my kids. Don't get me wrong. I love them, and I love being with them, most of the time, but sometimes they enrage me, and it's very hard for me to control my emotions. I've always been a yeller, and it's something I've tried to overcome for many, many years. Granted, I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still have a long way to go.

From the many parenting books I have read, I've learned that disciplining without emotion is a great way to control the flood of feelings that can emerge when dealing with frustrating behavior. I've blogged about some of my methods before, like HERE, and today I'd like to share what I've recently been doing that is working out really, really well for me.

So my kids have three main responsibilities in the mornings before school. First, they have to get up on time for scripture study at 6:45. Second, they must get ready for school in time, having prepared and donned their clothing, brushed their hair and teeth, and said their morning prayers, and they must clean their parts of the kitchen. The dreaded kitchen parts.... that's when things gets tough.

Our kitchen is huge, nearly 600 square feet...

(shown here when Baby Hippo would sleep in his pack 'n' play in the kitchen as a newborn)

...and when one person tries to clean it, it can take nearly an hour. Thus, I have divided it up into four quadrants, for which each child over eight is responsible. This is all great in theory, but when it actually comes to getting it done in the mornings, that's another story.

So here's my method when the kids leave for school having left their part undone, thus leaving it for me.

1. I don't remind them about their parts. If I do, they usually say "I KNOW" in a tone of how-dare-you-even-dream-I-wouldn't-finish-my-part-before-school. I try to avoid hearing this tone at all costs, and not nagging is a great way to accomplish this goal.

2. When they leave, I do their parts for them. "No", you say! "This is rewarding them!" I say, just keep reading. Before doing their parts for them, I get out my handy-dandy notebook, and assign two consequence chores to the offending party. If you're not sure what consequence chores are, go HERE for an in-depth description, but in short, a consequence chore is any chore that takes 10 to 20 minutes to complete. Consequence chores can be assigned for any infraction, not just lapses of housework responsibilities. Thus, although I have to spend my time doing their chores, they will have to pay me back double when they come home. Totally worth it. I love to spend the time while I do their chores concocting the perfect consequence chores for when they return home. Whuahahahaha!

If, like my son, they spend over four hours at football practice every day, I don't ask them to make up these chores after school, but they accumulate over the week, waiting patiently in the notebook for them when the weekend comes.

3. I do not tell them that they have consequence chores verbally. They know that their chore list awaits them on the notebook each day after school, and if they have earned consequence chores, I will have written these on the list for them, along with the reason they were added. Thus, I avoid the arguing that would inevitably occur if I assigned their chore verbally. The only reaction I deal with is mouth-dropping or hand-throwing or spinning angrily away from the notebook on their way to their room, as they read their assignments.

Here's what an afternoon chore list, with consequence chores, might look like.....(mine is always hand-written, but is typed here for my convenience)

Key:
K, R, L, and C: kids' initials
All: Assignment is for everyone
CC: Consequence Chore

K Living Room
R Green Room
L Bedroom Hallway
C Guest Hallway
All: Bedrooms
All: Bathrooms
All: Laundry
K CC (For not doing kitchen part) Sweep and mop storage room floor
K CC (For not doing kitchen part) Clean dog poo for ten minutes
R CC (For not doing kitchen part) Clean right stove top
L CC (For not doing kitchen part) Clean left stove top
L CC (For calling your sister a name) Baby Hippo, 20 minutes
C CC (For back-talking) Vacuum basement stairwell

As you can see, the after school chores only consist of one family chore per child, and if they keep up on their rooms, bathrooms and laundry, they don't have to spend much time on their personal chores each day either. And that is a BIG if. It's the consequence chores that really get to them, and help them to remember that if they perform all of their responsibilities each morning, they can spend time enjoying the after school hours rather than being their mother's slave.

Honestly, this policy has helped me make leaps and bounds of progress in teaching responsibility without displaying negative emotions. What do you think? Would it work for you? Let's talk in the comments section.

Thanks for listening. :)

Addendum: As the 11-year-old boy was reading over my shoulders while massaging them to earn money, he said, "Mom, why are you trying to make the lives of other kids miserable?"

I Heart Cupcakes!

They're so much better than cakes because you don't need a plate and fork! That's all.

P.S. The mini-cupcake in the 9-year-old girl's hand was baked and frosted by the 9-year-old girl herself. She used recipe cards, a mini-cupcake pan, and a frosting applicator we ordered via myjobchart.com when she had earned enough points. So fun! I want one, too, now!

Next on her list? A cupcake beanie!.....

Even more fun! Thanks for listening. :)

P.S. My sister and I are finally getting skinnier!
See how we're doing it HERE! :)

Oh, how I'm loving myjobchart.com!

Most of you know I'm obsessed with making my kids work. I've blogged post after post of chore charts, ideas to get kids to help, and I even go so far as to refuse getting a full-time maid, even though I could, for $7 a day here in Mexico, just so my kids can get the full work-at-home experience.

Enter C. Jane Kendrick, one of my favorite bloggers ever. I like to copy emulate some aspects of her blog/writing style, so I often click on over to see what she's up to. As I was scrolling through her posts yesterday, I was introduced to something that made today, and probably many days in my future, totally awesome. It's an online job chart, complete with icons for each kid and job, a point system, and an amazon.com reward store!

I could attempt to fully explain the concept, but instead, I've included the video below. Let me just say that a couple of amazing things happened today because of C. Jane's introduction to myjobchart.com....

1. The 4-year-old boy did more chores in a 20-minute period than ever before in his life, just so he could click the check box.

2. All 5 of the older kids brushed their teeth, morning and night, said their prayers and did their personal scripture study. This may seem like something that should happen on any given day, but it doesn't, not with all 5 in one day.

3. I accidentally added the "Practice Piano" job for "all", instead of just for those taking piano lessons, and the 10-year-old boy, who hasn't taken piano for about a year, because of band and guitar, went in and got out music I hadn't heard in months and pounded away for 15 minutes.

Yes, C. Jane has changed my life, and by sharing this video about myjobchart.com, I hope to do the same for you.

P.S. My sister and I are finally getting skinnier!
See how we're doing it HERE! :)

When Kids Work Together....

...they sometimes have conversations that go like this...

13-year-old boy: Hey Claire, tonight we had a sweet Mutual* activity.

8-year-old girl: Well, we had a really sweet Achievement Day** activity.

They then proceeded to tell each other about their day. For some reason, I just really love listening to my kids interact with each other, especially if the conversation is between two kids that normally wouldn't share their day because of an age gap.

Kids might not like to help with chores, but besides giving them a strong work ethic, chores can help create a bond that wouldn't exist there otherwise.

What chores do YOU assign your kids that have helped create a bond? I would really like to know.


*Mormon term for a church youth activity
**Mormon term for a bi-weekly activity for girls ages 8 to 11 similar to Girl Scouts

Making a List and Checking it Twice (Not Santa's List....Saturday Chores!)

I remember being in the hospital after delivering the twins and answering questions from myriad hospital staff about how I handled such a large family. Of course, everyone there was completely shocked that these twins were my 8th and 9th children. They asked how I could possibly deal with so many children and one nurse even asked if the twins were "mistakes". Yeah, these beautiful babies cuddled together in their plastic hospital bassinet, anxiously awaited for 20 years, were "mistakes"...



I just wanted to scream. But I didn't, instead addressing almost all of these inquiries by saying that my kids were huge helps to me, and that they can cook, clean and drive and I didn't know how I would handle things without them!

This questioning made me realize how very important it is that we teach our children to serve others. I really can't imagine how I would handle such a family as this, had they not been taught to work. Certainly most of the time it would have been easier to sit them in front of the TV and do it myself, but the payoff now that they are older has been HUGE!



There are many ways I try to teach our children to serve, the following example being just one...

Every Saturday I sit at my island, look around the house, and make a list of the tasks that need to be accomplished. Sometimes I cut this list into strips and have the kids draw their tasks from a mug. Other times I assign them by each child's ability. Of course, my kids shout for joy when they see this list as they love nothing more than Saturday chores. NOT. Even so, I find it so rewarding to have the kids accomplish things that need to get done, while building a work ethic at the same time. One day they'll thank me. (Oh, and thanks mom, for making us scrub the toilets every Saturday. It was great!)

Last Saturday, because we had already accomplished most of the deep cleaning in preparation for our Thanksgiving feast, we didn't have much to do once the weekend came. However, there were a few tasks that needed to be accomplished, and for some reason, I feel the desire to share my random Saturday chore list with you, crossed off and all. Here it is...(the letters by each chore are the initials of various children)



Thanks for listening.

...and now, for your holiday enjoyment... (This video is totally cool.)

9 Ways My Kids Make Me Proud...

1. The 20-year-old girl works with special needs adults and has grown to love them. Even if the management situation at her work isn't ideal, she has learned to get a new attitude and focus on what really matters...the patients.

2. When the 17-year-old boy met the Nickelback band signing autographs at a BestBuy recently, of all the questions he could have asked them, he asked, "Hey, why are all of your songs about drugs, sex, and booze?" Their reply? "Cuz that's all that matters, dude." Sick.

3. The 14-year-old girl cleaned all of the 3 three and under's toys from off the living room floor.....without. being. asked. HUGE!

4. When the 13-year-old boy hears one of the 3 three and under fussing, he almost always gets up to see what is wrong, even if he is sick.

5. The 9-year-old boy remembered many anecdotes from the two-day church conference he attended in Salt Lake, about which I posted HERE.

6. The 7-year-old girl rearranged her bedroom. I still can't figure out how she moves all of her furniture on her own when she does this regularly.

7. The 3-year-old is capable of gently breaking up fights between Twin A and Twin B.

8. Twin A loves to look at pictures of Jesus, and stops in his tracks and points every time he sees one, no matter how different it is from the last. Jesus was, in fact, his second word!

9. As well as loving to look at pictures of Jesus like Twin A, Twin B can communicate to me that he needs a glass of water by moving the 25-gallon stainless steel trashcan out of the way of his sippy cup drawer, fishing out a sippy cup, bringing it to me, then pointing to the water dispenser of the fridge. Who needs words when one can do this?

So, what does your family do that makes you proud?

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Homemaker Monday: A Chore System That's Working! and... Chocolate Zucchini Cake!

Welcome to the 46th weekly edition of...


Thank you for joining us! If you're new to this carnival and would like to enter your post, please check HERE for the rules and regs. (By the way, if you have been featured on Homemaker Monday in the past, your name is on my left sidebar. Check it out!)

YOURS: This week's "YOURS" again goes to Sweet Pea over at The Newlyweds! She posts a recipe for chocolate zucchini cake. I decided I HAD to bookmark this recipe because we've got zucchini coming out of our ears. With all that bounty (more than I know what to do with) I'm in desperate need of zucchini recipes, and to me, zucchini + chocolate = LOVE. Here's what this amazing cake looks like...

Thank you so much, Sweet Pea, for this recipe. I can't wait to try it! For The Newlyweds entire post and, as always, tons of great instructional photos, click HERE.

MINE: There is a new word my kids don't like....JURISDICTIONS. I learned about jurisdictions from the Duggar family. You know them, the ones who put me to shame by having currently 18 kids and counting. I once heard Michelle Duggar speak about assigning each child a "jurisdiction" in their home, a place they were to oversee and keep clean throughout the day. This idea fascinated me at the time, and I have finally decided to put it into practice. I have to tell you that it is working out beautifully. For instance, the 12-year-old boy is in charge of keeping the family room clean. In the family room is a large laundry basket full of baby toys that become wildly scattered about every 45 minutes. This is hard for anyone to bear, but we have simply become used to it and have chalked it up to the joys of raising twins. However, when the 12-year-old boy realized that it would be his duty to constantly clean up these toys, he came up with a plan. He asked if he could put all of the small toys in their toy box upstairs in the playroom and just leave a few big toys downstairs. It was a stroke of genius and I immediately decided to support his idea by agreeing with the plan. He is now reaping the benefits!

Another example is the 14-year-old girl's simple act of closing the babies' bedroom door when she's finished cleaning it. If they don't see an open door, they don't go in, and thus, don't wreak havoc. I love, love, LOVE that the kids are finally coming up with ways to improve and, at times, fix the way things are run in our home.

We usually go over our jurisdictions about three or four times a day, once in the morning, once in the afternoon, once before dinner and once after dinner. The kids have learned that if they keep their areas clean during the day, they won't have much to do when I call for jurisdiction check-up time. The appearance of our home has completely changed, and instead of having piles of forgotten moving boxes and other belongings heaped down hallways, along walls and in unused playpens, we now have clean, open spaces and can enjoy our new home! Instead of hearing friends make excuses for me when showing our new home, saying, "She doesn't have a maid. She and the kids try to do all this by themselves. Can you believe that?" I can now show our home without embarrasment!

During the week, everyone just has to do a light cleaning, such as picking up toys and sweeping if necessary. One day during the week however, the deep cleaning takes place, which includes dusting, sweeping, mopping, cleaning toilets and the like. The extra chore, referred to below, is anything I deem necessary to accomplish that week, such as cleaning the windows of the french doors, cleaning the microwave, cleaning out the fridge, or sweeping the cobwebs from the front of the house. Here is the run-down of how we do it....

Me, the Mom:
-Kitchen (except after dinner)
-Laundry (except for folding and putting away the older kids' clothes)
-Laundry Room
-My Bedroom
-My Bathroom
-Water Courtyard Plants
-Sidewalk and Porch Outside Kitchen Door

The 14-year-old girl:
-Trash
-Front Porch
-Toddler and Twin's Room
-Her Bedroom
-Girl's Bathroom (on even days)
-Her Dog and Dog Doo
-Extra Chore

The 12-year-old boy:
-Family Room
-Formal Living Room
-Bedroom Hallway
-His Bedroom
-Boy's Bathroom (on even days)
-Extra Chore

The 9-year-old boy:
-Guest Bathroom
-Guest Hallway
-Gameroom
-His Bedroom
-Boy's Bathroom (on odd days)
-Extra Chore

The 7-year-old girl:
-Courtyard
-Babies' Playroom
-Entryway
-Her Bedroom
-Girl's Bathroom (on odd days)
-Extra Chore

So there you have it. If you try this, let me know if it works wonderfully for you, too!

OURS: Okay, now it's your turn! I'm excited to read what all of you homemakers have for us this Monday. Thanks for joining us today and I hope you have a great one!



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Homemaker Monday: Getting Kids to Work, Mealtime Ambience and Tear-Free Rinsing

Welcome to the 43rd weekly edition of...

Thank you for joining us! If you're new to this carnival and would like to enter your post, please check HERE for the rules and regs. (By the way, if you have been featured on Homemaker Monday in the past, your name is on my left sidebar. Check it out!)

YOURS: This week's "YOURS" goes to Lydia over at Babies and Bags! She's a military wife, a mom of six and she even has a home business making and selling purses. Her post is on getting kids to help at home. If you've read my blog for more than a week or so, you know that this topic is a HUGE deal for me. It is what I spend most of my spare time thinking about (yes, fun, I know). Lydia has some great ideas on getting kids to help that I use myself, plus she has some new things I would like to try and incorporate into my housework routines. One idea is to have an empty jar and every time one of the kids does assigned chores, or any chore for that matter, without being asked, a marble will be added to the jar...


When it is full, the kids can have an ice cream party with friends. I KNOW my kids would LOVE this, so I am going to be trying something similar this week. Wish us luck! For Lydia's entire post, click HERE. Thanks you for your inspiration, Lydia. There is nothing like teaching our kids the value of work.

And now, for the "how I applied it to my life" feature...

Last week, I introduced Jen over at Balancing Beauty and Bedlam. Her post was on creating ambience during mealtime with candlelight. I have done just that all week and it has been lovely. The kids and our company all commented on how cool it was to have candles lit during dinner. I did an entire post on my experience for "Tablescape Thursday" , plus a how-to on napkin/silverware rolling, if you'd like to check it out HERE , but if you'd just like a taste of how things turned out, here's a photo the 14-year-old girl took of our Sunday dinner...


Thank you so much, Jen, for your inspiration. You made my world a better place this week!

MINE: Credit for this week's tip goes to the 14-year-old girl. Once she realized how well it worked, she even suggested that I use it for "Homemaker Monday". How cute.

She was in charge of washing the three-year-old's hair. Even after three years, he still hasn't gotten used to the idea of having water poured over his head. He opens his eyes and gets burned by shampoo and cries and really does not look forward to washing-hair time. The 14-year-old girl, the genius that she is, decided to have him wear goggles during the washing and rinsing process. Here's how it went...








(I always seem to take things a little too far and don't know when to say when with the camera. He let me know.)

If you're in the same boat we are and would like to try this, let us know how it goes! Thanks for listening.

OURS: Okay, now it's your turn! Feel free to join us if your just visiting by searching through your archives and adding anything into Mr. Linky that has to do with homemaking. It's fun to get new visitors and comments to your blog and fun to visit everybody else's post! Have a great Homemaker Monday!



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Candle Ambience and How to Make Those Cute Little Napkin/Silverware Roll-Up Thingies

Welcome to another episode of...


This week, as inspired by Jen at Balancing Beauty and Bedlam, I focused on using candlelight to create ambience in my tablescaping. We had Sunday dinner out in our courtyard again, and I used Walmart special glass candle holders, all-white tapers and 3-inch pillars. I've experimented with using other candle colors in decorating, but it seems as though white or off white give off the most light, which works well if you're using candlelight as the only source of light. I also liked pure white, rather than off-white because it worked so well with the white dishes I planned on using...


A simple rule of thumb when it comes to using candles is that if you are burning them during a meal, they should be unscented, so as not to unpleasantly mingle with the aroma of the prepared meal. Most tapers sold in stores are unscented, as were mine...,


...but I had a little trouble when it came to the pillars. They were only to be found in the scented variety, but when I discovered that the scent was "fresh cotton", I realized that these might work well, as perhaps my guests would think they were smelling my fresh tablecloths rather than a candle.

In addition to using candles to create ambience, we use cloth napkins to add a touch of formality at every meal. Guests almost always make comments about the fact that we use cloth napkins, but we have grown so accustomed to it, it doesn't seem like a big deal. For every day dinners, we use the Sam's brand (found in the restaurant supply section)..,


...but for more special occasions, we use colored varieties, like this...


I've also found TONS of really cute napkins at my favorite thrift store, for CHEAP, and it is fun to mix it up with those finds as well.

If you're wondering how to do the above napkin/silverware roll, it's really easy. The nine-year-old boy did the examples in the photos. Here's how...

Step 1: Lay out the napkin in a diamond...


Step 2: Place a knife, fork, then spoon on top of each other in the exact middle of the napkin...


Step 3: Fold the top over...


...then the bottom...


Step 4: Fold the left side in...



...then roll up...


Place with corner end down, so it doesn't not become unrolled...


It's fun to have some of these in a basket, pre-rolled, so that if unexpected guests arrive, they can simply grab one and join the fun!

Thanks for listening and have a great "Tablescape Thursday"!

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The 14-Year-Old Girl Fixes Stuffed Bell Peppers

As promised yesterday, here is the recipe for stuffed bell peppers with adaptations whether you're omni or vegan. I'm going to have to ask your patience as we didn't actually measure any ingredient amounts. The 14-year-old girl winged it, so you might have to, too.

Stuffed Bell Peppers

Ingredients:
One bell pepper per person (We used five.)
About 4 cups cooked rice
Various chopped vegetables (We used mushrooms, brocilli, cauliflower, carrots, and squash.)
About 2 teaspoon garlic powder
About 2 teaspoon onion powder
About 2 teaspoons salt
About 1 teaspoon pepper
About 1 tablespoon dried parsley
About 2 tablespoons melted vegan butter spread OR, if you are a meat-eater, about one pound raw hamburger meat

Directions:

Step 1: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F and grease a cookie sheet.

Step 2: Cut the bell peppers in half and de-seed and de-rib. Place on a greased cookie sheet...


Step 3: In a large bowl, mix remaining ingredients until well blended...


...and spoon into the bell pepper halves...


Step 4: Place on the greased cookie sheet and cook for about half an hour, or until there is no pink at all in the meat in the middle.

Serve and enjoy!


I am pleased to list this post at Designs by Gollum's "Foodie Friday"!

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Tablescape Thursday (Featuring the 14-Year-Old Girl)

Among the many thoughtful gestures I received on Mother's Day was the special dinner the 14-year-old girl prepared for us after church. She wanted to create a recipe herself, not follow one that had already been invented, and her main course of choice was stuffed bell peppers. I'm not sure she was actually going to set a table with linens and our finery, but I told her she should, so I could blog it for Tablescape Thursday. She would be the featured tablescaper and she was up for the challenge. I'll post her stuffed bell pepper recipe tomorrow, but for now, let's focus on what she decided to do with the table...

For the tablecloth, she opted for a simple cream-colored, tone-on-tone floral print, with pure white napkins. I thought this worked well because she chose pure white plates and bowls as well...


I love different tones of white together. She actually told me that she would have preferred to use clear dishes, but we hadn't unpacked the complete set yet from the move, so she settled for the Costco special whites...


(Yes, we should have ironed the tablecloth, and probably would have, had it not been just the ten of us.)

She wasn't sure what to use as a centerpiece, but as she looked around the kitchen, she spotted the following pitcher we inherited when I married John. I went to the garden and brought in some flowers and greenery I thought would work, and here is the result...


The following shot is completely posed. The 9-year-old boy staged it and asked me to snap a shot for my blog. It looks candid, though, so I like it...


Because the centerpiece was so colorful, she decided to tie it into the setting by bringing in bright serving pieces and accessories. Here are the peppers...



...and the salt and pepper shakers (purchased in Guadalahara, another set I was given from my mother-in-law)...


...and here is the final setting as it turned out.


(I need you to know that when you see the 17-year-old boy looking dejected and emo, it is totally an act. Every time he knows he will be in a shot for my blog, he immediately puts on his "I hate the world" face on purpose, just to get my goat. He's such a sweet boy.)

I was so pleased with the job the 14-year-old girl did. The tablescape and the meal turned out beautifully! She is going to be such an amazing homemaker and I can't wait to see that! Thank you for all you do for me, 14-year-old girl. I don't know what I would do without all of the help you give our family!

Stay tuned for the stuffed bell pepper recipe tomorrow!

I am pleased to list this post at...
Between Naps on the Porch's "Tablescape Thursday"
and
The Apron Queen's "Vintage Thingies Thursday".

Go to these blogs and check out everyone else's stuff! You're going to love it!

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