Thursday, October 29, 2009

Questions I Would Ask My Late Husband If I Could See Him Now

There are those who say they visit my blog to be uplifted, to learn something new, to get a chuckle, or just to marvel at my completely chaotic life and count their blessings that they don't have it so insanely. Today, I'm afraid you will get none of that. I've had a difficult week, suffering from a 4-day sinus infection, and it seems as though the 3 three and under have cried more this week than in any other week in their short histories. Perhaps it just feels that way because of the throbbing head aches, but it's getting me down.

There have been some thoughts swimming around in my head about my first husband's suicide and since I haven't been in an uplifting kind of mood, this might be the perfect time to record these feelings. I am warning you that this post will be sad, depressing, and maybe even disturbing. Please feel free to go read another blog now if you want.

If I could see my husband again, there are so many questions I would ask him. And questions I would ask God, if we were talking face-to-face. I guess I could go to God in prayer to ask Him these questions, but I seem to spend more time on my knees worrying about the day-to-day issues of the here and now than fretting over my questions of curiosity about my husband's death.

I think the first question I would ask my husband is...

Where did your spirit go right after you died? Did God shield you from seeing the pain and grief you caused your family or was part of the natural consequence of taking your own life to have to witness the devastation?

Were you there when...

...I found your body, and lifted and yanked you out of your truck with one hand, fell to my knees, and laid you on my lap, screaming help and your name and no?

...after having run into the house to tell my mother to call 911, I administered CPR for 15 minutes, refusing offers of assistance from my brother, even though I was becoming dizzy with the carbon monoxide still in your lungs?

...the police detectives confiscated your 18 pages of suicide writings before I had a chance to get through the first 5 pages?

...I had to tell our children what you did, and did you see how none of them said a word for seemingly eons, until one of them started to cry?

...your father, after having driven 11 hours to come to my parent's home the day you died, walked in the door and embraced my father, and they sobbed together in each other arms like children?

...a young boy of 16 years, who was not your son, but looked up to you as his father and considered you his best friend, sobbed, unabashedly, on my mom's couch, unable to stop for hours, because you were gone?

...we had your funeral? Did you know the chapel would be filled to overflowing? Did you think it was a good funeral? My mother, your best friend and your boss at work even joked about you and people laughed. I laughed, too, like when my mother said you were afraid of my dad's cooking, and every time he would offer you meat, you would accept it, but when he wasn't looking, you would re-cook it in the microwave for 8 or 9 minutes, just to make sure it was done.

Husband, when one of our daughters was sick and dreaming a few days after you left, she said she saw you in a dream and you comforted her, and when she woke, she felt healed. Was that you, or was it just a dream?

When I, too, had a dream about you, but asked you how it was in hell, and you said that that wasn't a very nice thing to say, was that you, or was it just a dream?

When I dreamed about you over and over and over again, usually trying to find answers, only to have you leave me before I could get them, was that ever you, or were they just the dreams of a crushed soul?

Did you know that even though I never planned on doing this, I met and started dating John only 5 months after you died? That I married him 7 months after you died? If so, did that bother you? You had said in your writings that you wanted me to be happy and remarry, but did you know it would happen so soon?

Did you watch over us after you left us, or was there something else God had planned for your soul? Did He need you somewhere else?

What are you doing now? How do you spend your time? Has the memory of us faded away, or do you long for us?

Do you see moments in your children's lives, like when our oldest girl drove out of the DMV with her driver's license, when our oldest boy first put on his football pads and played his first game, or when our youngest, the 2-year-old girl then, learned to ride a bike before her big brother?

Did you know that because of your actions, nearly 3 years later, a young girl close to you would explain her suicidal feelings by saying, "He knew how I feel. He understood, and justify herself?"

Did you try to build a relationship with God before you died?

Did you repent of your sins before you died?

Were you scared?

Did it hurt?

Did you plan it so that I was the one who found you? If so, I'm glad you did. And thank you for looking so peaceful when I found you. And thank you for leaving all of our financial files and life insurance policies easily accessible for me. That was very thoughtful.

So these are some of the questions I would ask. I know they were kind of all over the place, but I guess I still haven't boxed up and organized these thoughts, even after nearly 5 years. Thank you for listening and hopefully tomorrow's post will be more uplifting.


alessandra said...

I will never skip one of your post, even sad, to read another blog.
Yours is the first in the morning I look forward to, and I always find worth it reading, and touching or funny, or interesting, or all of them.
Hope you will be better soon, no, I'm sure!
Big hug.

Kristin said...

Hey Jenny,

I haven't revisited that part of life in a long time, so deeply, anyway. Too sad. I so hope he's found some kind of purpose up there, or something.

Sorry about your terrible week - I wish, as usual, that I was there to help.

Panamamama said...

What a powerful post. I am crying. I really admire you for being able to write this all down. It will help others and also just getting it out there sometimes helps you feel better too. Hope you feel better soon.

Mom2my10 @ 11th Heaven said...

Alessandra, what a sweet thing to say!

Panamamama, thank you for your comment. :)

suburbangranola said...

I don't know what to say but I wanted you to know that I read these words. Very powerful.

BarbaraJo said...

Wow. My heart bleeds for you. You are so so STRONG. Let me know if you need anything. I didn't know you were sick.

Unknown said...

I recently started reading your blog and I just wanted to tell you that this post really touched me. I literally can't stop the tears from running down my face right now. I come from a family that struggles with a lot of mental illness and we have had three generations of suicide now. Every day I struggle with my own health problems, a bunch of physical problems and emotional problems as a result of dealing with it all. I also struggle with a very difficult child that has ADD and learning disabilities. Every day feels like a battle. It is rough and can be very painful. I can tell you this, the only way I get through it is to remember the promises that God has made in the bible. I know that some day, when I am with him in heaven, I will rejoice. That day, all of the struggles I have endured with God by my side will have been worth it.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Bonnie said...

Thank you for this post. I think so many of us have questions, and a few bruises that seem to come back every now and then. I love you.

Anonymous said...

As Alessandra said, I never miss a day of reading your blog. I never skip a post.

You are amazing, talented, kind, strong, and perhaps what I admire most, you have grace.

Writing down these feelings, sharing with us something so intimate, being so honest with who you are I'm sure adds to your strength, and no doubt helps others, like me, going thru somewhat of the same thing.

I hope your sinuses heal soon, I hope your wee ones feel better, and I pray God blesses you and your family everyday. But I know he already does.


Unknown said...

sorry this comment is going to be a downer also...
I have found your blog to be useful in my life no matter the content.
This post is no different.
In my family we have had 2 family members complete suicide. I say that because both had tried many times. My brother lost his wife most recently.
He is still very deep in the grieving process.
When Brother died he left 3 very young children. I am sure his wife asked and maybe still is asking. questions much like yours.
I know you are not alone on this road I am really sorry to say having lived through this as a family member.
Your never the same.
Much Love

Heather said...

no words...just a lot of love for you and your family.

Christy said...

I read you every day through google reader but never comment (partially because it takes a long time for your blog to come up on my old computer) but today I cannot let you put yourself out there like you did and not lend you my support.

I have no problem with your "downer" post, and appreciate your honesty and courage to put yourself and your feelings out there for scrutiny. I haven't read the other comments, but hopefully all have been supportive.

I hope this post helps you work through your feelings. You may very well help someone else who is struggling right now. I hope you find whatever answers you need to help bring you (and your children) peace.

FeFiFo said...

I'm brand new to your blog (this is the first post I've read). I appreciate your honesty. It was sad, of course. I myself had to decide whether I was going to write something heart-wrenching and I did. And I felt better.

Life is about mountains and valleys- the valleys are just as important for us to look at. Perhaps even greater knowing we rely on the Lord the most in those times.

I will pray for Jesus to bring you comfort for your sinuses and your heart.

Melis said...

I am so sorry. So, so so SO sorry.

NatureGirl said...

We do not read only to be uplifted. We read to be part of your human experience.

Anonymous said...

I am with Alessandra good or bad I am here. Happy or sad... I think sharing your experiences will help someone else in their lives ro someone around them. Look how many comments you got.....WOW You knew that you needed to share this for others. Great job Jen...You are AMAZING

Keeley said...

So wish I could be there, and massage your aching head and kiss your tears and take care of your children so you could take a nap.

These will all be answered one day. Hang in there.

alexis said...

I am so sorry that you and your children had to experience this. It's so hard to understand why things like this happen. My first husband, fortunately, is still alive, but divorced me after 8 years of marriage, confessing that he was a homosexual. It was extremely painful, and I hate the most how it has affected our son. His life, like that of you children, will never be the same. The enemy loves to attack families, but we have to remind ourselves to stand strong against him and remember that our precious Lord and Savior will take care of us. I hope your week gets better--get lots of rest, if you can, and I will be praying for you!

nana rosie said...

I read your posts faithfully...
sad ones, happy ones...All of them, BUT I love the silly ones!
This is the first time I have cried reading your post. And I have to say; WOW! You are a brave soul. I feel if the shoe had been on this foot, I would not have been so brave to even write those thoughts down. Please know how much I appericate your letter & thank you for sharing it in this post with us. I am forever a fan. Rosie T

Eileen Astels Watson said...

My eyes are wet. I can't imagine your life and the pain you and your children have endured. But I thank God for getting you all through it!

Sherry Sikstrom said...

I have been reading your blog for some time , never posted , we a re miles apart in many ways ,I am a married gal who is unable to have kids so I confess I live a little vicariously throught your posts . What a brave post ,those feelings are raw and real ,and I am sure still painful. I do hope your first husband found forgiveness and redemption in the end . It is tough sometimes to see through the hurt , and you have done such an amazing job going through this wiht a young family . May God continue to give you strength and his unending love

Amber said...

Aw. I just recently started reading and would never skip over anything you write. That was real, painful, and raw...but it is a part of you that you own and sharing with the rest of us, just lets us know more about you, and what you have come through...When you wanted to ask your late husband if he was there...through all of it...I know you know that the Lord was regardless....he was there, with you, as he always will be....Your burdens are his...and I'd like to believe that when we all arrive at our final destination, there are no more questions...we just know...that there is no more suffering...and we'll all find peace...Praying for peace for you, when those questions arise.... ;)

Simple Stitches AZ ~ Rachelle S. said...

Wow! I've been reading your blog for some time now and I ususally don't comment because there are usually already so many comments, but tonight I felt like I needed to.

I haven't been through anything like you have, but I want you to know how much of an inspiration you are to me & I'm sure many, many others.

I am an LDS mother of 6 amazing children, living in AZ (born & raised here), so I can relate to many of the things you talk about. I admire your courage and I hope you feel that some healing has come from this post. These are some very deeply thought provoking questions. I have shed some tears reading this but I'm glad you shared with us.

The Lord blesses our lives in so many ways & I can see so much of that in your life. Thank you for being the amazing woman that you are. You are a great example to the rest of us.

Brenda said...

I found your blog looking for a whole wheat roll recipe of all things.

This post was very touching. Although not to suicide, my brother died when I was 17, my sister died when I was 21, my dad died six weeks before my wedding and my mom passed two years ago. I have very similar questions, like, how different would my life be if my brother and sister had lived? I wonder that a lot.

It's hard losing people that we love and I don't think the process of grieving is ever done.

My heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

Can I ask you a very personal Question? Being a second spouse to my husband I sometimes feel sad and a bit jealous when he speaks of the sadness he feels associated with the ending of his first marriage. I dont need any reminders that because of the ending of his first marriage we are together and had 2 beautiful children together making 5 total. I guess my question does your now husband feel when you have "down days" or sadness associated with the loss of your first husband. Because you and I both know that you wouldn't be remarried now or have the babies you have w/o the events that happened. my heart does go out to you and your beautiful children. Your loss is very sad indeed. God bless


siteseer said...

Suicide leaves a big hole and sooo many unanswered questions. Will we ever know? I've experienced a few in my life - not as close as a husband, but a nephew, a cousin, my daughter's best friend, my son's college roommate. I don't want to list any more, they touch my life too deeply. If you ever get any answers I'll be back to read them. :(

Count your blessings in finding a good man to be there when you needed him. And thank God that these days of being down are few and far between. *hugs*

Michelle said...

I always wondered what my dad would think of my life, of me, of where I am and what I am doing. I always wondered what life would have been like if he hadn't committed suicide.

Siteseer hit it on the head...a big hole and a ton of questions that will never be answered.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Mom2my10 @ 11th Heaven said...

Anonymous, of course you can ask a personal question. My husband has always been so, so supportive and understanding about my feelings towards my late husband. Usually, however, my feelings are more of anger and confusion, not really missing him, because I feel so fulfilled with my current husband. I don't know if this helps at all, as my situation is probably different than yours.

Brandie said...

You are so great. Never feel guilty about writing those things down. It really helps. I went through a lot of hard times when I was younger and writing helped me so much and it got me through. It will probably help someone else too. Hang in there apparently the sick bug is floating south from up here sorry! We were sick this week too ugh!

roadrunner201 said...

Thanks for your honesty. If it is possible for anything good to come of a suicide, I think that a post like this can really be helpful to others dealing with similar situations, even though I know that this post was more for you than for us. You needed this today.

Our pastor's first wife also committed suicide and he is one of the most effective preachers in the area of grief now, because he really walked in the thick of it.

It is obvious to me that you completely rely on God because you haven't let this define or defeat you.

God bless.

Olga said...

Sometimes life sucks. I think when we are sick, and weary we tend to dwell on he hard stuff. It is not necessarily the bad stuff it is just hard stuff. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Thank you for being honest about your hard ships. It is a hard thing to post, but you also show how faith in God can pull you up. Thank you for that.

Amanda B. said...

Wow.... ya, once you said we could go read another blog, I knew there was no way I could stop reading. I really think if I was ever in this situation, those are the same kind of questions I would ask too.... I tend to think that way anyway. I am sure it is so natural for you to still get down and think about this and wonder. You have been through the kind of horror that most of us will never have to face. I have no doubt that God hugs you every day.... :)

Anonymous said...

I am still feeling so grateful for the opportunity we had to visit in person yesterday!
To read this post today reminds me why I love you so much! Your example of strength and resilience lifts and inspires me. I am so glad to know you and your amazing family!
Your "anonymous" friend,
Shauna =)

Mom2my10 @ 11th Heaven said...

Hi Anonymous, Shauna! I'm so glad we got to talk, too! I LOVE YOU!

C said...

I miss you. You are inspiring and so good and amazing.
Love, C

inadvertent farmer said...

Without words...not without tears. I am so sorry. Kim

Tania @ Larger Family Life said...

I'm hoping this week is better for you. As for the post, I'm sorry that you're in the position to find yourself writing it. What a heartbreaking thing to go through.

Cheryl B. said...

Jen, I told you that I was (yet again) caught up with all of your postings, and that I had commented on all of the ones I planned on doing so to, except this one - I was still mulling this one over. Well, here's what I've come up with:

{And yes, "mulling it over" does again have the end result of being really long o:-)}

In this posting you wrote: "I am warning you that this post will be sad, depressing, and maybe even disturbing. Please feel free to go read another blog now if you want." Above your comment box you have written, "We just might become fast friends". I asked you once if we had reached that point yet and you happily replied we had. Jen, I, like the others, ignored your words letting us 'off the hook' concerning reading this particular post. Yes, sometimes your posts do make us laugh, and we thank-you for those. And yes, sometimes we shake our heads at your 'chaotic life'. Some do because they can not fathom surviving such a life, others of us do, due to either having been there or currently being there ourselves, and we are so darn relieved that we are NOT 'the only ones'. Honest, that in itself can be oh so reassuring!! And there are other factors as well. But Jen, us 'regulars' (whether we qualify only as regular readers, or if we also qualify as regular commenter's) keep coming back because of YOU!!! We have grown to like and care about YOU. Yes, we think the twins are adorable. Yes, we are thrilled with how much of a true man God provided for you in John, and we get warmed by your references to things about him. And yes, we also know all kinds of details about the rest of your kids. In-fact, your postings equal this wonderful series of books we are reading, about this large family, and just like in reading 'real books', we have become attached to the characters, and identify with some more than others, and want to jump into the pages of the book and REALLY meet everyone, see everything!!

And our caring about everything thus includes this part of your life as well. Your sharing it with us, means you trust us enough to open up about the things inside of you. Wow!! We are touched! That alone brings tears. That also helps us understand what makes Jen 'tick'. Thank-you for accepting our friendships enough to trust us and be real with us! We are honored!!!

You wrote: "I guess I could go to God in prayer to ask Him these questions, but I seem to spend more time on my knees worrying about the day-to-day issues of the here and now than fretting over my questions." But God, being God, knows the unspoken desires of our hearts. And for you, part of those unspoken desires is a better understanding of the whole final situation with your first husband. Thus the questions which weigh so heavy on your heart. And the fact that they do weigh so heavy on your heart, shows both us readers as well as God, that you did love your first husband. That his passing was a loss!! A serious one. You probably feel like you NEED to present your current situations seeking His guidance, where asking about things from the past is just for your own mental and physiological benefit, therefore they probably aren't really all that important ... . God cares about every aspect of our lives. And He remembers every aspect of it. We remember certain things. He remembers every detail. I 'think' I had this for lunch on such and such day, He knows for sure. Therefore, He does know (and He cares!!) about our past, and about how it affects different aspects of our present.

continued ...

Cheryl B. said...

page two -

In the comment section, Christy had written, "I hope this post helps you work through your feelings." It will, whether you (Jen) yet sense the difference or not. And posting to us is cheaper than more therapy o;-p. By writing it out, you have to make your thoughts and feelings take more concrete form. That in turn helps you narrow the whole situation down some in your mind. That then in turn, helps you mull over more exact things, rather than the whole darn situation. Healing is a process. While we might want/desire it to be a quick one, most often it isn't. And the more factors that were involved in whatever the situation was, the longer the healing process takes. In this particular situation, there was the horror of finding him, the horror combined with feelings of frustration and failure at not being able to revive him. The feelings of helplessness at having to tell your children. The feelings of unbelief when you weren't able to finish his last letter, which in turn left so many more questions. And the list goes on ... . And thus so does the healing time. But through all of it, you are growing, in so-o many ways. Growing in determination to be there for your kids. Growing in your reliance on God. Growing in being able to reach out to others, as you had learned you had to let others help you. And another list goes on ... .

As Alexis pointed out, "The enemy loves to attack families, but we have to remind ourselves to stand strong against him and remember that our precious Lord and Savior will take care of us." Praise the Lord He is so much stronger than the devil!!!!!!! And He won't let anything happen to us that we can't handle in his strength. The problem is, that way too often we tend to leave those last three words either completely out, or only barely use them. Definitely our loss! As 'fernvalley01' said, "May God continue to give you strength and his unending love". He WILL! May you continue to accept it ;-}

Olga Tolbert had written, " I think when we are sick, and weary we tend to dwell on he hard stuff. It is not necessarily the bad stuff it is just hard stuff." She hit the nail on the head! Once we have accepted Christ's gift of salvation, the devil knows he has lost us. Therefore his main objective as far as we are concerned, is to keep us from being effective witnesses for the Lord. He will do whatever it takes to meet his goal! He is ruthless!!! That is why it is ever so important that we leave those last three words attached! "IN HIS STRENGTH!!!" After two miscarriages in a row, I went into a deep depression! A very deep one! And once you've been there, it is like this giant black hole always waiting right at the edge, hoping to draw you back in. Sickness can definitely help it's pull. As can very fussy children. And the two combined is like reeving the pulls engine 8-/. But instead of letting it win, we must continue daily (sometimes half hourly) to put on the whole armour of God and stand against the devil! Sometimes, right out loud, I declare, "Just cuz my body is fighting me, doesn't mean your gonna win devil! Be gone from me, in JESUS name!" And then I feel God's warmth and power. No, it doesn't always mean I "feel" well again. Just re-newed/strengthened - from an inner source. My spirit is revived even if my body isn't. And that makes an enormous difference!

I believe that immediately at the point of death, we are standing at the gates of heaven, learning whether we will be admitted or not. And I also believe that the only way we will be admitted is if we have accepted Christ's free gift of salvation. Therefore, that's what your husband was going through when you found his earthly remains.

continued ...

Cheryl B. said...

page three -

I also believe that once we pass from this life, we no longer have knowledge of what's going on down here. {I can give you the Biblical references for all of this if you want.} However, there also does come a point where we stand before God himself and are held accountable for what actions we took or didn't take while we were a part of this earth. Your first husband will be or was held accountable for his final action. And for how as the leader of a family, he majorly dropped the ball (so to speak).

But just because your first husband no longer knew what was going on down here, doesn't mean God didn't. He knew. And He cared. And I believe your first husbands actions weighed heavy of God's heart. That is not at all the type of actions He would want us to take. Those type of actions means your first husband did totally lose track of and reliance on the last three words. Sad. For him. But especially for those he left behind. But God's strength and love continued. That is why his dad arrived so very quickly. The two dad's NEEDED those tears in each others arms. They both wanted to help you, but first they needed to express their own hearts. And what better way than in a fellow Dad's arms? Especially when the fellow dad is equally as affected by the situation. Once they had done that, then they could face the situation and you, and be of far more help to you. God could then use them far more effectively. God was showing His care.

Jen, I'm only guessing here, but my guess is that part of the reason the police confiscated the long letter, had to do with your first husbands military connections. Have you tried getting at the least a copy of that letter? I think being able to read the whole thing might be very therapeutic. To you, as well as the rest of the family. A lot more of the questions tumbling around in your mind might be answered via reading that letter. What is the statue of limitations, or what ever it is, which applies to them keeping that material sealed in a file, especially concerning making it available to the widow? I would encourage you to pursue it (probably yet again).

Your late husband didn't like medium rare meat huh? Is your dad's cooking part of what led you to go vegan? ;-p

I believe that your daughters dream and healing was of the Lord, not your late husband. The sickness was very likely caused by her inner distress. And God chose the dream to comfort her, which in turn settled her and thus healed her.

Your own dream about asking him how it was in hell, was your own brain venting at him, and then your conscience piping in. And yes, the other dreams were those of a crushed soul. Loss's of the heart go deep. Extremely penetrating so. And the bewilderment of the mind mixes with it to cause disturbances in us even to the point of affecting our dreams. Sometimes when we are really down, all we want to do is sleep. Particularly because being that down just tires us so, and particularly because we really just desire to escape, and we think we will while sleeping. But when the circumstances have affected us that deeply, it affects every single aspect of us. Even our sleep. Only via God's healing powers, relying on HIS strength, can we really be pulled up, thus not needing an escape.

continued ...

Cheryl B. said...

page four -

No, you wouldn't have 'planned' on meeting and marrying somebody else. You loved your first husband. And then you were suddenly a widow with how many children? (another rhetorical question) You would be thinking, "who in the world is gonna wanna take all of that and us on"? But God sent John. God knew that He had been saving John explicitly for this purpose. That John had so much bottled/saved up love that he could help you heal and laugh again. That the thing those young children needed most was a father. And oh did John desire to be just exactly that! God knew all, and provided accordingly :-D More visible proof of Hid divine love. God rocks! ;-p

All of those things that you mentioned your kids doing, no, I don't believe your first husband knows or saw. But God did and does. And God allowed you even greater joy in them because of having gone through your sorrow. Both you and the kids would wish that he was still here to see in person. And I believe that would have been God's first choice too. But He allowed man kind free choice. And too often we do not follow His guidelines when making our choices. And w-a-y too often it is not only ourselves we hurt in the process. If only we would keep that in the forefront of our minds when making choices, instead of trying to brush it aside or ignore it. How much of lives burdens we could ease if we but would.

But God allotted you greater joy in the kids achievements because deep inside of you, you know that your husband could have taken you with him instead of his best friend. Yes, his best friend might have been involved in some of the other circumstances behind the whole thing, but you were his best best friend. He did spare you to allow you to enjoy the children the two of you had produced. {Give him credit for that.} And so you do - you take extra joy in their achievements. Good for you!!! :-}

Three years later, the young girl you mentioned was desperately looking for affirmation for her actions and thoughts. She had witnessed how much devastation had been left behind by your late husbands actions. And she knew that her actions, if carried through, would leave pretty much the same. So she was trying to grasp at straws to rectify in her own mind what she was contemplating doing. At that point in time, for what ever reason, she felt that YOU didn't understand her, so the one that's no longer here must have been the parent (or special person in her life) that 'got' her. Usually one parent has more of a clue on certain children, and the other parent on the remaining children. I'm glad she too didn't go through with it!!!

"And thank you for leaving all of our financial files and life insurance policies easily accessible for me. That was very thoughtful." That was God knowing your late husband would take the steps he was planning on taking, but interceding on your behalf. God was looking out for you Jen, even in the midst of absolute horror.

The method your husband used to commit his suicide most likely did not hurt. It would most likely be a slow drowsiness, with a building but not severe headache, and then he'd black out. At least, that's what happens when my lungs start shutting down in an asthma attack. Be thankful he chose that method. Not only was it less painful for him, but also for you. You didn't hear a gun shot, and then hurry to the basement to find a gory mess. I know of someone who did. And there are other gory scenarios I could list. But by choosing the method he did, he showed his concern for and about you to the very end. Now yes, it would have been much more loving and caring if he had not gone through with it! But he did. Be thankful that he was considerate about you even in the end he chose.

You had started with, "There are those who say they visit my blog to be uplifted,..." Jen, hopefully, my comments here have been that to you. My hearts prayer is that God will use me in some way to draw you even closer to him. Period.