Border patrol agents...I think that every time I cross the border, their IQ gets a little bit lower. Case in point...Kyla, Claire the twins and I had to go to EP to pick up Conor from the bus depot. When we got to the border, there were about six cars in front of me and Joseph had just started to fuss because he had slept all the way from CJ and he was hungry. I did a quick mathematical calculation and determined that if each car took three minutes at the border, then I would have 18 minutes to breastfeed. I asked Kyla to get the baby out of his carseat for me and proceeded to feed him. Unfortunately, I have mastitis, so to nurse was agonizingly painful. So much so, that it took all of my concentration to deal with the pain. However, while I was doing this, I prepared all of the proper documents, i.e. birth certificates, ID's and so forth. However, to my chagrin, the line moved much, much faster than I had anticipated and after only seven minutes, we were up next!
Kyla said that she thought she should put the baby back in his seat, and I brushed her off, saying that it would be fine (foreshadowing). Upon driving up to the guard post, I confidently stated my citizenship, and deftly handed the female patrol agent my paperwork. It was the first time we had had the proper paper work for a long time, so I knew that I would be well on my way in about thirty seconds. However, when the male agent checked my license plate, I did not have the proper sticker. He asked me to pull into a side lane to examine my paperwork further. By this time, Hyrum was hungry, so Kyla and I switched babies and I began to feed him.
When the male agent came to my door, he asked for my insurance and registration. Again, I confidently handed him this paperwork as I was sure everything was up to date. He took the papers to the back of my vehicle to survey them, then came up to my window to deliver the verdict.....I was to receive a citation for not having the baby in an infant restraint system as I approached the border.
"What?!? You are kidding!" I cried.
"No, I am not kidding. I am dead serious and you would be serious, too, if you had seen the things I've seen" he said.
I again expressed my shock and stated that I couldn't believe that I could be ticketed for this. I asked him what harm could have come from me feeding the baby and he said that I could have run into one of the pillars next to the guard station and that that could have seriously injured my baby. He asked how old my baby was, I and asked him which one, and he glared and said, "The one you were breastfeeding." I told him that he was three months old and he asked if the other baby had been unrestrained as well. Apparently it would have delighted him to no end to give me double citations for double babies. Fortunately, Hyrum had been restrained but to my ultimate amazement, there was no getting out of the ticket for Joseph. Fifteen minutes and $75 dollars later, I was on my way to my parents in a very depressed state of mind. I was sad that I was now depressed, because my intent all along had been to happily surprise my parents with our visit. They had no idea we were coming. I had to figure out a way to get happy really fast, so I asked Kyla to put on some really happy music from her shuffle. She chose Georgia by Gladys Night and the Pips, which you can listen to below and we listened to some John Mayer. After three songs and some intense meditation, I felt happy again and was ready to surprise my parents.
When we drove up to their house in anticipation, their car wasn't there. I went inside and looked around, hoping it was in the shop (because they never go anywhere), but to our great disappointment, they were nowhere to be found. I had to ruin the surprise by calling my dad's cell from his house. He answered hello and after I said hi, he shouted, "Jennifer! You are calling from my house! Patti (my mom)! Jennifer is calling from our house!" They had been traveling to various different fast food restaurants in search of the perfect meal. I guess that reaction was almost as good as surprising them in person and it gave me a little more time to get happier. The end.